12/23/24 Dream: I had a dream that I was trapped at my dad’s hotel after I told my mom to drop me off. I remember he was a lot more restrictive than he usually was. He almost never let me leave. I then desperately searched the hotel room for anything to do, only to find my stash drawer in a random cabinet. I tried to crawl into the stash drawer to warp back home, but that plan failed. My dad then started to become suspicious, so I put all my needles and incriminating shit in my hotel bag. I then remember that I was trapped with him for days, nervous that he would abuse me, as he made a remark saying “Now that you’re my girl through and through, ima protect you like a princess, my Ashe.” I then sighed and hugged him, finding the remark endearing and validating. I was still concerned about him though, and I spent my time just getting high in the bathroom and occasionally coming out to awkwardly watch TV with my dad. I remember smoking trips were few and far between, and there was no vibrator or any other means of relieving my carnal tension there either, so I was pretty hysterical the entire time. My dad had a whole bunch of food there too like Pop Rocks soda, giant gummy worms, Spongebob Krusty Krab meal specials from some restaurant (I think McDonalds), a plate of sushi, and even some delicious charcuteries. He said that we should wait until my paternal siblings got here too though, so I didn’t test him by drinking it early. It felt like my dad was trying to lure me into staying with him forever under the princess treatment. I felt tempted, but then I grew bored after my dad asked questions about why I had needles in my suitcase, and that he said “I can only get you estrogen next week, sweetie,” so I decided to find a way out despite the rising tension. I snuck off into the hotel bathroom to use the phone, in which I dialed up my grandma for help on a keypad style house phone. I told her as quiet as I could “Grandma, help me! I’m PMSing, out of cigarettes, and my dad is acting very suspicious!” She then responded to me in a concerned voice, saying “Russ will come save you soon, don’t worry.” After this, I then went back out to the kitchen to wait, but as I was doing so, my dad kept pressing me on the needles. I refused to answer him though, and I just kindly asked him to stop needling me over it, and that it was for my HRT. He then said “You don’t have HRT here,” to which I replied “I thought you would have some…” After this, my dad grew silent and contemplative, and he went back to watching a channel that was some mix of ESPN & MTV. I sighed, and went to pour some milk and grab some snacks. There wasn’t much good milk in the fridge though, it was mostly empty aside from basic hotel minifridge items though, sadly. I did see a couple wine coolers that caught my eye, however, and I decided to hide them by sticking them inside my bra cup / inner jacket pocket for safe keeping. The cold wine kinda hurt my peaches, but I figured I’d need them after this ordeal. I didn’t find anything else to drink that interested me though, so I just carefully snuck a pop rocks soda closer to the door so that I could grab it on my way out. I then grabbed one of the Spongebob meal burgers and stuck it in my skirt pocket, still within its cardboard container. It kinda smelt like a normal quarter pounder with cheese, but with a hint of shrimp and some random earthy spice as well. I then sat on my phone, occasionally talking with my dad about basic chit-chat, as I waited for my brother to arrive. I’m not sure how long I waited, but eventually, I heard five rhythmic horn honks outside. My dad then walked out there with a baseball bat, yelling at me “GANGSTALKERS, GET DOWN,” as he did so. This diversion gave me just enough time to pack up my entire stash drawer in my suitcase, before I then popped out the wheels and rolled frantically to the front door. Quickly, I grabbed the giant black and blue bottle of Blue Raspberry Flavored Pop Rocks soda, and then ran out of there as fast as I could. The wine coolers and breast forms in my bra still hurt my breasts, and the burger seemed to spill sauce as well, but I didn’t care. I ran out to the lot, found my brother’s car, and desperately hopped into the backseat as if a soldier hopping into an APC to escape a conquered territory. My brother then stared at me, saying “Someone’s manic, aren’t they,” in a sarcastic voice. I then took the hint, brushing my hair back into place, and removing the wine coolers from my bra to stick them in my suitcase proper. I then heard my mother speak in a concerned voice, saying “We couldn’t find your normal estrogen, sweetie. So, we could only get you these. I hope these help,” as she handed me two sheets of pills. I gratefully took the pills and examined them: One was called ‘Fem-X’ and claimed to be a hormonal supplement for ‘hot flashes and mood’, the other was simply labeled ‘Estradiol 4mg / Progesterone 10mg, generic’ and some jargon about luteal cycles and pharmacokinetics written on a tiny footnote. I then quickly popped one of each, then cracking open the pop rocks soda to take a drink. After this, my mind started growing fuzzy, as when I popped the estrogen pills, my mind began to suddenly feel better, but also a bit more lethargic as well. Then, my brother began to drive off, shifting the car into 4th gear and flooring it. We left the hotel lot together, and I got the slightest glimpse of an odd grey sky with a pink sun, before I then woke up in my bed. FIN. I awoke thirsty, estrogen deprived, and having terrible allergies today. I also had a bit sad of a mood, but not too sad overall, as I wasn’t crying or anything, just a bit frustrated in general.
Dreams can be complex mosaics of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Your dream appears to weave together themes of confinement, the desire for autonomy, and the struggle for identity, particularly regarding your relationships with your father and the impact of your journey with hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
Trapped and Confinement: Being trapped in your dad's hotel suggests feelings of restriction or being held back in some aspect of your life. This may reflect actual dynamics in your relationship with him, perhaps feeling controlled or manipulated, as mirrored by his unexpectedly restrictive behavior in the dream.
Search for Escape: Your attempts to find a way out (like crawling into the stash drawer or trying to call your grandma for help) indicate a strong desire for freedom and autonomy. Perhaps this symbolizes your quest to assert control over your life, especially related to your gender identity and HRT journey.
Parental Dynamics: Your father’s comments about “protecting” you may evoke mixed feelings. The idea of being treated like a “princess” might initially feel comforting, yet it may also imply a certain possessiveness that you find suffocating. This duality in your feelings showcases the complexity of familial love that can sometimes feel controlling rather than protective.
Substance Use: The presence of drugs and your need to hide them suggests themes of coping and escapism. It could symbolize a search for relief from emotional discomfort or societal pressures, particularly around your identity and how your family perceives it.
Food and Pleasure: The abundance of snacks, particularly whimsical or nostalgic foods (like Spongebob meals), may represent childhood comforts or a longing for simpler times. However, their association with your father's presence can suggest complicated feelings about desire, sustenance, and perhaps the fear of growing up or moving away from childhood.
HRT and Gender Identity: Your interactions regarding estrogen and HRT symbolize your desire for self-actualization and authenticity. The urgency of acquiring HRT reflects your personal struggles and hopes surrounding transitioning and the associated challenges you may face from family or society.
Help and Rescue: The figure of your brother and the notion of being rescued from your father’s control indicates a yearning for support and solidarity. It shows that you are not entirely alone in your struggles and highlights the importance of familial relationships in navigating personal conflict.
Emotional Resolution: Your final relief through taking the pills suggests a desire for healing. The mixture of feeling better but also lethargic ties into how transitioning can be both liberating and exhausting, reflecting the intricacies of managing physical and emotional well-being.
Finally, your awakening feelings could indicate an ongoing internal struggle as you process these complex emotions. Overall, this dream emphasizes the overarching themes of seeking freedom, personal authenticity, and the longing for supportive connections amid familial challenges. As you navigate these experiences in waking life, consider reflecting on how you might assert your autonomy while seeking the support you need.